Close, but no cigar
In reflection of my experience in the IBR contest, I sent out an email to a bunch of friends. I thought it was worth sharing.
-------------------------
Well it was real close, but no cigar. As many of you know, I ran in IBR this year to represent San Francisco as Bay Area Cub. I lost out Cub to a hot little latin cub from New York, and he totally deserved it. He had it all, looks, charm, personality, and a heart as big as New York itself. Word has it though he almost won Bear (the overall title) by 2 points, and if he would have, I very well might have won Cub. But a guy from Kentucky won that title, and he worked his ass off to get it, and totally deserved it. They were a great bunch of guys, every single one of them, not a bad apple in the bunch, and I was proud to serve and represent my city.
When they announced the titleholders, we all stood up on stage. They first announced Cub, then Grizzly, Daddy, then the overall title of Bear. As they announced Cub, we all stood together. As I heard them announce Manny's name, several emotions flooded through me. First my heart sank as they didn't announce me (as it did for hearts of the scores of San Franciscans who were in the audience). Then I thought "Oh good, at least it's Manny," because if it was anyone else I might have been a lot more bitter. :-) (We all deserved it, I shouldn't say that, but Manny more than anyone else.) Then I looked over at Manny on the other side of the stage and he had this look of shock on his face, followed by "oh my god!" and then he started crying. Then I thought "Oh shit, now I'm gonna start crying!" and I welled up a bit about his reaction. Then someone said "Butch it up, Manny!" and he went up and accepted Cub.
I can't say it didn't hurt. I worked my tireless little butt off this weekend, eeking by on about 6 hours of sleep the entire weekend, mostly from restless nights thinking about everything I had to do. My calves still ache from running around in boots all weekend, constantly being "on" and in bear mode, my cheeks (on my face silly) still feel sore from all the smiling I had to do. But everyone did.
And there was stuff I nailed to the wall, brought it home, cooked it up and served it hot. My speech was flawless. I worked over a day constantly on it, editing for content, flow, feeling, and by the end it had everything, made you feel all great inside, gave you a rise, and left them applauding like mad. It was memorized (most people read off cards), and went off without a hitch. It was my one moment in time, and I soared. I walked off the stage hearing the applause and I was on cloud 9. The topic was: Tell us about your favorite moment of IBR 2005, or, tell us about the teddy bear you made for the auction. I made a little "geisha bear" with a handmade bear-inspired kimono I personally spent hours sewing (I know, I could have paid some 12-year old in Thailand 25 cents an hour to do it, but it wouldn't have been from the heart like mine!), complete with chopsticks in the fur behind his head. I choose the former topic, and my speech went like this:
"Friday night at the Eagle, we were selling raffle tickets, when I saw this bear and cub off to the side, being shy and not really interacting with anyone. They started asking me about the tickets, and as I was telling them about measuring the inseam, the prizes and the charity, the cub got really quiet like it wasn't his thing. Then the bear asked me 'How about I pay you five dollars and you measure his inseam?' So I got on my knees and he got a little apprehensive. I told him it would be all right, and as I measure, his mood went from shy, to okay, to feeling good, and by the time I was done, he was grinning from ear to ear. [Woofs and YEAHS from the audience!] I stood up, and just grabbed him and gave him the biggest kiss, and he wrapped his arms around me and gave me the biggest bear hug, and I just thought to myself, how awesome it is to be a bear, to make someone who's shy and inhibited to feel that warm and that good and that accepted. And that was my favorite part of the weekend. [The audience goes mad! And as the music cues to cue me off the stage, I added:] And to that guy, if your in the audience, please find me after the show, because I would love to finish what I started. Thank you."
And as they say, that... was the night... the lights... went out... IN GEORGIA!
The crowd went wild. I nailed it, I felt better than anyone else. I was so proud of myself. I stood up in front of hundreds, most of them strangers, took a topic that was very dear to me, the feeling of acceptance, threw in a little risque and the promise of a little action, and did it all in 60 seconds. No one even came close with theirs. Others startled, rambled, ran over, one even ended with "and world peace." And it was all 100% true. I had to edit certain facts for time, but nothing embellished. There was a bear and cub at the Eagle on Friday night. I think they were from Alaska, and the little cub guy was so adorable, but I don't think he'd been to many or any bear events before (he was completely unfamiliar with the raffle ticket idea). He was incredibly shy, and he did step back, and I put my head on his furry belly and massaged his legs and I measured his inseam. He started to get visibly excited, but no, no sex happened. (I am not that kind of girl!) And by the end, he was grinning ear to ear and I did kiss him deep and hugged him deep. It was indeed one of my favorite moments of the weekend, and just made me feel so awesome inside. Unfortunately, my friends were busy pimping me out to sell more raffle tickets and I had to go. I never saw him again. (As an aside, the 13 of us raised $4,500 in raffle sales for charity, and I definitely raised more than average, although not the most. Several my friends reporting winning prizes as a result as well. I give good raffle. :-) )
My interviews went awesome as well. Every question sincere and honest and great and impassioned, without any "world peace" answers (although perhaps a bit of "harsher penalties for repeat parole violators.... and world peace" :-) ). The second question asked of me was "What has been your favorite thing about your trip to San Francisco thus far?" I paused for a moment and said, "Well I'd have to think about all that for a moment because I live here." The judge paused and looked down at his sheet and turned about 8 shades of red. "Oh man, I looked at your bio too" and everyone started roaring with laughter. Any possible tension at that point washed away and the rest of the interview went swimmingly. Even one difficult judge, who, after comparing notes with other contestants, directed every question about himself instead of the contestants. (He won't be coming back next year.) His question to me was "If you had to put me in a category, what category would it be?" I answered "Well, I haven't had a lot of chance to get to know you, but if I had to put it at first glance, I'd say a daddy bear." The guy was 50 if he was a day, and full grey. "Do you think that I could be a cub?" I answered, "Oh yeah. The one thing you learn about living in San Francisco is you realize anything's possible." A look of "Amen to that"s from around the judges in the room.
But I had shortcomings. I was prepared with all my stuff for the contest, but I hadn't prepared myself mentally. Some things I didn't know what to expect, and therefore wasn't prepared for, and therefore others did better than me. In the raffle ticket sales, I wasn't prepared for the experience. I had done it before for the Bay Area Cub contest (and there I kicked everyone else to the curb in sales), but it was a totally different experience with a ton of strangers. At times it seemed to drag, and I later found it wasn't so much in sales they looked for, but how you interacted with people. On Saturday afternoon, it was 13 of us, trying to get sales from a few dozen people in the rain. I just wasn't up to the task. (It got better later, but with mostly strangers there instead of a lot of locals Friday night, other fared much better.) My friends helped out a ton, but I know it hurt my score.
The other part was my self-image. I wasn't always with the bears, and in college, I was a 145 pounds at the same height, skinny, smooth, no facial hair. Despite any outward appearances now, there's always a part of me inside that feels that way. Stuff like thinking of myself as sexy and exuding that is really hard for me. Others were better at it. I know that hurt my score. This time.
But you know what, I learned something about myself this weekend. I overcame so many personal issues to rise up above myself, that I'm proud of what I did. I got up in front of a hundreds of people, did what I thought was right, and I just feel like a new man for it. And so many people who were so proud of me for running and doing it were even prouder of me now. I have people come up to me I've never met and say they were proud of me. And realized that I didn't run for fame or attention, or to become a sash queen, but to do San Francisco proud. And god damn it, I did, and that's something to be proud of.
After the contest, I hopped in a cab back to home (I dearly wanted to sleep in my own bed, even though I had offers to stay at the hotel), so I grabbed my stuff out of Alan's room and went home. My Bay Area Cub title vest was hanging up separately, and it the late our I forgot it there. On Monday, after the auction, I grabbed the vest, and instead of carrying it, I put it on. I only won it in October, and didn't get it until December. With school, travel, work and everything else, I hadn't had a chance to really enjoy it. I stood there waiting for the elevator and saw myself in the mirror. "Damn I look good in this thing," I thought to myself. Fran and the guys at Mr. S did a kick-ass job on it.
I compared it to a story about a friend of mine in Minneapolis when I was there over New Year's. I had just come back from New York, and was complaining that, after Paris, New York was a let down for shopping. Anything there I could find in San Francisco, and the stores might be bigger in NY, but not better than SF. I was really hoping to find some more Euro-stuff like I could find in Europe. I was disappointed. As I'm telling him this, I realize how incredibly stuck up it sounded. Five years ago, shopping in New York was a dream for me.
Five years ago, winning Bay Area Cub was just a dream for me. And now that's who I am. I need to basque in that awhile, and that's long overdue. :-)
Manny came up to me after the show. He was looking around to find me and he said the sweetest thing. He said, "Joe, I was so shocked that I won. I had no idea. I totally thought it was going to be you all the time. That's why I was so shocked when they announced me." We both started welling up crying and then just grabbed each other and lost it. Man is he sweet.
Part of me feels like running again in the future. I feel like I even graduated up to "bear" after this weekend. "I always thought you were a bear," Manny said. I always thought he was a bear. It turns out, we had no idea we were competing against each other, and when we found that out, we both thought the other was gonna win. Now that I've been through it once, I know what works, what doesn't, and what to expect. I won't be in school after I graduate, and have time to mount enough of a campaign and have enough energy to do it right, and show them how to do it San Francisco style, with ground-level reachouts, a website, slogans ("Support our city: bring the title home!"), and show them The City That Know How. Fuck the curse. (San Francisco has never won one of the titles hosted in its own town since its inception.) Break it and inspire to run locally to beat them in the future. That's why I ran, because so many were discouraged to run locally because "I'll never win IBR" because of it. But I have a long time to figure that one out.
Manny's profile is on bigmusclebears.com, profile MetroCub2004, if you want to see him. (I would advise against checking it at work. :-) )
http://www.BigMuscleBEARS.com/profile.phtml?uid=MetroCub2004
If you see the picture with Mr. MetroBear, that's Mike Cotter. He was in the contest as well, and held me as we waited to go back on stage to announce the titleholders. Another guy with a heart as big as New York. :-)
Thanks again to everyone who supported me at the contest, and thanks to everyone who couldn't be there who were there in my heart. You guys are so freakingly awesome I can't say it enough. I never would have done it without you.
Now I gotta get back to work. I have my Project Management final on Saturday. Then I'm down to two classes, and on March 15th, I finish up my last Business Writing class. Then just finish up Philosophy and my capstone project (old hat stuff for me), and in May I walk down the isle and pick up my diploma.
I know, I'm crazy. But you know, a bear's gotta do, what a bear's gotta do. :-)
Oh yeah, and pictures forthcoming. :-)
Joe
-------------------------
Well it was real close, but no cigar. As many of you know, I ran in IBR this year to represent San Francisco as Bay Area Cub. I lost out Cub to a hot little latin cub from New York, and he totally deserved it. He had it all, looks, charm, personality, and a heart as big as New York itself. Word has it though he almost won Bear (the overall title) by 2 points, and if he would have, I very well might have won Cub. But a guy from Kentucky won that title, and he worked his ass off to get it, and totally deserved it. They were a great bunch of guys, every single one of them, not a bad apple in the bunch, and I was proud to serve and represent my city.
When they announced the titleholders, we all stood up on stage. They first announced Cub, then Grizzly, Daddy, then the overall title of Bear. As they announced Cub, we all stood together. As I heard them announce Manny's name, several emotions flooded through me. First my heart sank as they didn't announce me (as it did for hearts of the scores of San Franciscans who were in the audience). Then I thought "Oh good, at least it's Manny," because if it was anyone else I might have been a lot more bitter. :-) (We all deserved it, I shouldn't say that, but Manny more than anyone else.) Then I looked over at Manny on the other side of the stage and he had this look of shock on his face, followed by "oh my god!" and then he started crying. Then I thought "Oh shit, now I'm gonna start crying!" and I welled up a bit about his reaction. Then someone said "Butch it up, Manny!" and he went up and accepted Cub.
I can't say it didn't hurt. I worked my tireless little butt off this weekend, eeking by on about 6 hours of sleep the entire weekend, mostly from restless nights thinking about everything I had to do. My calves still ache from running around in boots all weekend, constantly being "on" and in bear mode, my cheeks (on my face silly) still feel sore from all the smiling I had to do. But everyone did.
And there was stuff I nailed to the wall, brought it home, cooked it up and served it hot. My speech was flawless. I worked over a day constantly on it, editing for content, flow, feeling, and by the end it had everything, made you feel all great inside, gave you a rise, and left them applauding like mad. It was memorized (most people read off cards), and went off without a hitch. It was my one moment in time, and I soared. I walked off the stage hearing the applause and I was on cloud 9. The topic was: Tell us about your favorite moment of IBR 2005, or, tell us about the teddy bear you made for the auction. I made a little "geisha bear" with a handmade bear-inspired kimono I personally spent hours sewing (I know, I could have paid some 12-year old in Thailand 25 cents an hour to do it, but it wouldn't have been from the heart like mine!), complete with chopsticks in the fur behind his head. I choose the former topic, and my speech went like this:
"Friday night at the Eagle, we were selling raffle tickets, when I saw this bear and cub off to the side, being shy and not really interacting with anyone. They started asking me about the tickets, and as I was telling them about measuring the inseam, the prizes and the charity, the cub got really quiet like it wasn't his thing. Then the bear asked me 'How about I pay you five dollars and you measure his inseam?' So I got on my knees and he got a little apprehensive. I told him it would be all right, and as I measure, his mood went from shy, to okay, to feeling good, and by the time I was done, he was grinning from ear to ear. [Woofs and YEAHS from the audience!] I stood up, and just grabbed him and gave him the biggest kiss, and he wrapped his arms around me and gave me the biggest bear hug, and I just thought to myself, how awesome it is to be a bear, to make someone who's shy and inhibited to feel that warm and that good and that accepted. And that was my favorite part of the weekend. [The audience goes mad! And as the music cues to cue me off the stage, I added:] And to that guy, if your in the audience, please find me after the show, because I would love to finish what I started. Thank you."
And as they say, that... was the night... the lights... went out... IN GEORGIA!
The crowd went wild. I nailed it, I felt better than anyone else. I was so proud of myself. I stood up in front of hundreds, most of them strangers, took a topic that was very dear to me, the feeling of acceptance, threw in a little risque and the promise of a little action, and did it all in 60 seconds. No one even came close with theirs. Others startled, rambled, ran over, one even ended with "and world peace." And it was all 100% true. I had to edit certain facts for time, but nothing embellished. There was a bear and cub at the Eagle on Friday night. I think they were from Alaska, and the little cub guy was so adorable, but I don't think he'd been to many or any bear events before (he was completely unfamiliar with the raffle ticket idea). He was incredibly shy, and he did step back, and I put my head on his furry belly and massaged his legs and I measured his inseam. He started to get visibly excited, but no, no sex happened. (I am not that kind of girl!) And by the end, he was grinning ear to ear and I did kiss him deep and hugged him deep. It was indeed one of my favorite moments of the weekend, and just made me feel so awesome inside. Unfortunately, my friends were busy pimping me out to sell more raffle tickets and I had to go. I never saw him again. (As an aside, the 13 of us raised $4,500 in raffle sales for charity, and I definitely raised more than average, although not the most. Several my friends reporting winning prizes as a result as well. I give good raffle. :-) )
My interviews went awesome as well. Every question sincere and honest and great and impassioned, without any "world peace" answers (although perhaps a bit of "harsher penalties for repeat parole violators.... and world peace" :-) ). The second question asked of me was "What has been your favorite thing about your trip to San Francisco thus far?" I paused for a moment and said, "Well I'd have to think about all that for a moment because I live here." The judge paused and looked down at his sheet and turned about 8 shades of red. "Oh man, I looked at your bio too" and everyone started roaring with laughter. Any possible tension at that point washed away and the rest of the interview went swimmingly. Even one difficult judge, who, after comparing notes with other contestants, directed every question about himself instead of the contestants. (He won't be coming back next year.) His question to me was "If you had to put me in a category, what category would it be?" I answered "Well, I haven't had a lot of chance to get to know you, but if I had to put it at first glance, I'd say a daddy bear." The guy was 50 if he was a day, and full grey. "Do you think that I could be a cub?" I answered, "Oh yeah. The one thing you learn about living in San Francisco is you realize anything's possible." A look of "Amen to that"s from around the judges in the room.
But I had shortcomings. I was prepared with all my stuff for the contest, but I hadn't prepared myself mentally. Some things I didn't know what to expect, and therefore wasn't prepared for, and therefore others did better than me. In the raffle ticket sales, I wasn't prepared for the experience. I had done it before for the Bay Area Cub contest (and there I kicked everyone else to the curb in sales), but it was a totally different experience with a ton of strangers. At times it seemed to drag, and I later found it wasn't so much in sales they looked for, but how you interacted with people. On Saturday afternoon, it was 13 of us, trying to get sales from a few dozen people in the rain. I just wasn't up to the task. (It got better later, but with mostly strangers there instead of a lot of locals Friday night, other fared much better.) My friends helped out a ton, but I know it hurt my score.
The other part was my self-image. I wasn't always with the bears, and in college, I was a 145 pounds at the same height, skinny, smooth, no facial hair. Despite any outward appearances now, there's always a part of me inside that feels that way. Stuff like thinking of myself as sexy and exuding that is really hard for me. Others were better at it. I know that hurt my score. This time.
But you know what, I learned something about myself this weekend. I overcame so many personal issues to rise up above myself, that I'm proud of what I did. I got up in front of a hundreds of people, did what I thought was right, and I just feel like a new man for it. And so many people who were so proud of me for running and doing it were even prouder of me now. I have people come up to me I've never met and say they were proud of me. And realized that I didn't run for fame or attention, or to become a sash queen, but to do San Francisco proud. And god damn it, I did, and that's something to be proud of.
After the contest, I hopped in a cab back to home (I dearly wanted to sleep in my own bed, even though I had offers to stay at the hotel), so I grabbed my stuff out of Alan's room and went home. My Bay Area Cub title vest was hanging up separately, and it the late our I forgot it there. On Monday, after the auction, I grabbed the vest, and instead of carrying it, I put it on. I only won it in October, and didn't get it until December. With school, travel, work and everything else, I hadn't had a chance to really enjoy it. I stood there waiting for the elevator and saw myself in the mirror. "Damn I look good in this thing," I thought to myself. Fran and the guys at Mr. S did a kick-ass job on it.
I compared it to a story about a friend of mine in Minneapolis when I was there over New Year's. I had just come back from New York, and was complaining that, after Paris, New York was a let down for shopping. Anything there I could find in San Francisco, and the stores might be bigger in NY, but not better than SF. I was really hoping to find some more Euro-stuff like I could find in Europe. I was disappointed. As I'm telling him this, I realize how incredibly stuck up it sounded. Five years ago, shopping in New York was a dream for me.
Five years ago, winning Bay Area Cub was just a dream for me. And now that's who I am. I need to basque in that awhile, and that's long overdue. :-)
Manny came up to me after the show. He was looking around to find me and he said the sweetest thing. He said, "Joe, I was so shocked that I won. I had no idea. I totally thought it was going to be you all the time. That's why I was so shocked when they announced me." We both started welling up crying and then just grabbed each other and lost it. Man is he sweet.
Part of me feels like running again in the future. I feel like I even graduated up to "bear" after this weekend. "I always thought you were a bear," Manny said. I always thought he was a bear. It turns out, we had no idea we were competing against each other, and when we found that out, we both thought the other was gonna win. Now that I've been through it once, I know what works, what doesn't, and what to expect. I won't be in school after I graduate, and have time to mount enough of a campaign and have enough energy to do it right, and show them how to do it San Francisco style, with ground-level reachouts, a website, slogans ("Support our city: bring the title home!"), and show them The City That Know How. Fuck the curse. (San Francisco has never won one of the titles hosted in its own town since its inception.) Break it and inspire to run locally to beat them in the future. That's why I ran, because so many were discouraged to run locally because "I'll never win IBR" because of it. But I have a long time to figure that one out.
Manny's profile is on bigmusclebears.com, profile MetroCub2004, if you want to see him. (I would advise against checking it at work. :-) )
http://www.BigMuscleBEARS.com/profile.phtml?uid=MetroCub2004
If you see the picture with Mr. MetroBear, that's Mike Cotter. He was in the contest as well, and held me as we waited to go back on stage to announce the titleholders. Another guy with a heart as big as New York. :-)
Thanks again to everyone who supported me at the contest, and thanks to everyone who couldn't be there who were there in my heart. You guys are so freakingly awesome I can't say it enough. I never would have done it without you.
Now I gotta get back to work. I have my Project Management final on Saturday. Then I'm down to two classes, and on March 15th, I finish up my last Business Writing class. Then just finish up Philosophy and my capstone project (old hat stuff for me), and in May I walk down the isle and pick up my diploma.
I know, I'm crazy. But you know, a bear's gotta do, what a bear's gotta do. :-)
Oh yeah, and pictures forthcoming. :-)
Joe
posted by Joe Carlin at 3:29 AM
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